Many times in coaching, someone else joins me and the client for the session.
Not literally. But they are there.
It’s the coworker who hounds them.
The subordinate who questions their authority.
The manager who is never consistent.
The client who always wants more than is reasonable.
The team member who takes credit for their ideas.
The colleague who cuts them off every single time.
That difficult person is there with us. They come into the session through stories.
And somewhere in the telling, clients say, “I shouldn’t let this bother me” or some version of it.
Sometimes they say it out loud.
Sometimes they do not say it at all. But it is there in the visible emotion. In the seething frustration. In the effort it takes to tell the story. In the urge to explain it away while still clearly feeling its weight.
Across all lines and kinds of work, there is often someone who can throw you off course.
A boss.
A peer.
A subordinate.
A board member.
A colleague whose name on your phone or in your inbox is enough to shift something in you before a word is even spoken.
And sometimes the hardest part is not the interaction itself. It’s what happens after.
How one conversation can follow you.
How one email can keep reopening in your mind.
How you can find yourself replaying your tone, your wording, the look on their face, searching for the exact moment it turned.
You think about what you should have said.
You think about what they meant.
You think about whether this is just how they are, or whether it is something about you.
That’s part of what makes difficult work relationships so hard. You often can’t just walk away.
This is not a random stranger. This is someone tied to your livelihood, your responsibilities, your team, your peace.
Not long ago, I got off a call with a colleague and felt myself completely thrown off. I did what I know to do. I took a walk. I tried to regulate. I noticed what was happening in my body. And still, I was dysregulated.
The call stayed with me. It took up more space than I wanted it to. It pressed itself against the rest of my day.
The whole event reminded me of something I think many of us forget. Having the tools does not mean you will not get activated. Awareness does not make you immune. Some dynamics do not just live in our thoughts. That lingering replay is part of what makes these dynamics so draining. They interrupt concentration. They take your attention with them.
So often, “I shouldn’t let this bother me” is not really about resilience. It’s what we say when we have been affected by something we think we should be able to handle more cleanly, more quietly, more professionally.
But often the issue is not entirely within your control.
Sometimes you are having a human response to something that is genuinely hard to hold.
Something unpredictable.
Something undermining.
Something that keeps knocking you off center.
And sometimes the real work is not figuring out how to make the other person different.
Sometimes the real work is noticing the cost.
Your energy.
Your focus.
Your sense of steadiness.
Your ability to stay connected to yourself.
And from there, a different question begins to emerge:
not Why am I so bothered?
but What is this dynamic asking of me, and what do I need in order to stay well inside it?
Elizabeth Alvarado is a career and wellness coach who writes about the inner work of work. You can reach her at alvaradocoaching.com.